Attention Losers: No More Cheap Excuses

You may or may not believe the NHL's new collective agreement , with its restrictive salary cap, is good for hockey. But at least the new system should sweep away the following flimsy excuses, long favoured by incompetent hockey teams and swallowed whole by compliant media hacks:

• The little franchise in the little city builds from within, drafting lead-footed defensemen, narcoleptic forwards and, on one memorable draft day, a nose tackle. The team sinks in the standings year after year, its roster a revolving door of the clueless and the washed up. Reflecting on another 28th place finish, the GM throws up his hands and says, "What can we do? We just can't compete under this economic system."

• A long-struggling team is handed a gift when the kid from Russia turns out to be the NHL's next scoring machine. He dazzles crowds with his angelic moves, makes the girls swoon and sends souvenir sales through the roof. When his contract is up, the owner calls his buddy in Big Market. They meet at the country club and engineer a deal: the Russian hotshot is traded for a fat goalie from Bolivia and a left winger with one leg. The brief revival dies and the team goes into a tailspin. "Don't blame me," says the owner. "It's those greedy players with their outlandish contract demands. That's the real problem."

• It's a hard-core hockey town. Thousands of fans are devoted to the home team, staying loyal even as the owner fires the scouting staff and sells every player who knows which hole in the jersey his head goes through. The owner explains that the team is losing money, all the while using a numbered account in the Cayman Islands to hide income from concessions, parking and luxury suites. He jacks up ticket prices, hires his alcoholic son-in-law as coach and keeps raking in the dough. Finally, disillusioned fans begin to slip away, reluctant to spend 150 bucks a night watching a bunch of minor-league goons play the trap. The wounded owner summons the local press. "I've always done my best for this town," he says. "But I guess the people here just don't want big-league hockey."

You wanted your "cost certainty" and you got it. No more cheap excuses.